A few Teacher Jokes...

The parents were very disappointed in the grades that their son brought home. "The only consolation I can find in these awful grades," lamented the father, "is that I know he never cheated during his exams."

"Dad, can you write in the dark?"
"I think so. What is it you want me to write?"
"Your name on this report card."

A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."

The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"

The little girl replied, "My homework."

The child comes home from his first day at school.
Mother asks, "What did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' and I said '6'"
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"That sounds like a useless question. What's the difference?"
"That's exactly what I said!"

A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to one little boy.
So she said, "if you reached in your right pocket and found a dollar, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?"

"Somebody else's pants."

Teacher: "Sam, what is the outside of a tree called?"
Sam: "I don't know."
Teacher: "Bark, Sam, bark."
Sam: "Bow, wow, wow!"

Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!
Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!
Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?
Paddy: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!
Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home now!

The teacher is droning away in the classroom when he notices a student sleeping way up in the back row.
The teacher shouts to the sleeping student's neighbor, "Hey wake that student up!"
The neighbor yells back, "You put him to sleep, you wake him up!"

"If there are any really dumb students in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one boy rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself dumb?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, "Now I'll show you this frog in my pocket." He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich. He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said, "That's funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch."

"Isn't the principal a dummy!" said a boy to a girl.

"Say, do you know who I am?" asked the girl.
"No."
"I'm the principal's daughter."

"And do you know who I am?" asked the boy.
"No," she replied.
"Thank goodness!"

Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?
Joseph: Because of a sign down the road.
Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?
Joseph: The sign said, "School Ahead, Go Slow!"

Teacher: How do you spell "dog"?
Pupil: d, o, g, enter.

"I've just had the most awful time," said a boy to his friends.
"First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis.
Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis.
They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy."

"Wow! How did you pull through?" sympathized his friends.

"I don't know," the boy replied. "Toughest spelling test I ever had."

An English professor complained to the pet shop proprietor, "The parrot I purchased uses improper language."
"I'm surprised," said the owner. "I've never known that bird to swear."
"Oh, it isn't that," explained the professor. "But yesterday I heard him split an infinitive."